I learned another one of life’s hard lessons today: never eat biscuits and gravy while reading William Kristol’s column in the New York Times. As a general principle this might seem intuitively obvious, like not eating wild berries or handling brightly colored frogs, but I just can’t help myself.

I tried to focus on Paul Krugman’s column instead, but all that logic and good sense filled me with ennui, and my eyes kept drifting over towards the fiery crash on the other side of the op-ed page entitled “George, Abe, Rick & Barack,” by William Kristol, son of Irving Kristol and Gertrude Himmelfarb, the latter of whom is an historian of the Victorians. I had to read one of her monographs in grad school.

Suffice it to say that little William’s genius is not sui generis, it’s genetic. You can trace its origins all the way back up through Irving’s vas deferens and, in the opposite direction, down into Gertrude’s ovaries, until you squirm your way up their ugly innards and squeeze out of their eyeballs at that magic moment in space and time when they first caught each other’s glance and fell in love:

“Hi, my name’s Irving. I’m a Trotskyite.”

“I’m Gertrude. I’m hot for the Victorians. Do you have a car?”

Bingo! Nine months later their unholy tryst produced…Bill Kristol; who, forty-odd years later, produced The Weekly Standard, which helped produce The Project for the New American Century, which helped produce the Iraq Invasion, which has produced a hundred thousand dead Iraqis. Now, to top it off, he’s produced a column entitled “George, Abe, Rick & Barack,” which has produced violent sickness in me.

It’s a harmless, if embarrassing, consequence of reading the twaddle that this smug, spoiled little nitwit writes every week for a salary that is greater than anything you or I can possibly hope to earn for a lifetime of honest work.

In sum, Kristol says he is looking forward to Obama's inauguration. Why? Well, one of the reasons is that Rick Warren will be giving the invocation. This, according to Bill, will not only stick it to the “tribunes of the intolerant left,” but will also be “ a reminder of the strides the evangelical movement and religious conservatives have made… in recent decades.”

I don’t know about you, but I’ve forgotten all about the strides that the evangelical movement has made in recent decades. Thank God that Rick Warren and Bill Kristol are there to remind me. And praise be to Obama’s statesmanship for pounding the point home.

More importantly, according to Bill, Obama will take his oath of office on the Lincoln Bible. This is where it gets good. You see, many “commentators” have criticized Obama's presumptuousness at pretending to be a statesman. You know, commentators like Bill Kristol and other tribunes of the tolerant right. But it turns out Obama’s okay after all, because he’s not pretending to be a statesman like Lincoln, he’s only modeling himself after Lincoln. So it’s cool. Obamas’s not presumptuous, like some random field slave trying to bust into master’s kitchen; he’s just an apt pupil, a good boy, diligently imitating the habits of his superiors for the improvement of hisself and the betterment of everyone in the American cuntry.

But Mr. Kristol has a few words of advice, lest Mr. Obama get too uppity:

…it might be a good idea if, when he takes the oath, Obama makes sure that the Good Book is open to Proverbs 16:18, and its reminder that, “Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.”

Who would know better than a supporter of the Iraq invasion? Pay heed, Mr. Obama.

Now, Kristol’s column is called “George, Abe Rick & Barack.” We've covered Abe, Rick, and Barack. But what of George W, as in Washington?

Let’s let Mr Kristol take it away:

What’s more, in a radio address this past week, Obama cited George Washington’s crossing of the Delaware River on Christmas night, 1776, as a lesson for us today. Obama’s academic supporters must be rolling their eyes, or assuming he’s just playing to the simple-minded patriots in the peanut gallery. But what if Obama’s own understanding of the founders is more in line with the admiring spirit of many recent popular biographies than the belittling efforts of post-1960s tenured radicals?

There’s a lot here to unpack, but I’ll keep it short. I suspect Obama was playing to the simple-minded patriots in the peanut gallery, like Bill Kristol. If so, it obviously worked. He plainly has them snookered. Furthermore, what lesson can we learn from Washington crossing the Delaware River in this day and age? That we must launch a surprise attack against Hessian mercenaries? I don't get it. Then again, my professors were all tenured 1960s radicals who belittled the efforts of “admiring, popular biographies.” Forsooth!

But just what would Washington think of the efforts of neo-con radicals, tenured at Fox News or the Heritage Foundation? You know, those who, in the name of patriotism, advocate perpetual war for the benefit of a foreign country, like, say, Israel?

I don't know. But I know what Washington famously said in his farewell address:

Against the insidious wiles of foreign influence (I conjure you to believe me, fellow-citizens) the jealousy of a free people ought to be constantly awake, since history and experience prove that foreign influence is one of the most baneful foes of republican government. But that jealousy to be useful must be impartial; else it becomes the instrument of the very influence to be avoided, instead of a defense against it. Excessive partiality for one foreign nation and excessive dislike of another cause those whom they actuate to see danger only on one side, and serve to veil and even second the arts of influence on the other. Real patriots who may resist the intrigues of the favorite are liable to become suspected and odious, while its tools and dupes usurp the applause and confidence of the people, to surrender their interests.[Italics mine]

Something tells me Bill Kristol conveniently overlooks that inconvenient quote when he patriotically studies Washington for the patriotic edification of all good patriots. But what do I know?

Anyway, Bill Kristol is, on whole, supportive of the president-elect.

Sleep tight.

Posted by OHollern at December 30, 2008 12:07 AM

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